2 1/2 MONTHS IN NYC

He left. Life continues.

We have talked every day since he left. He’s actually been keeping me accountable and helping at least give me the reasons why I need to persevere.

I don’t feel like I’ve always given up on goals easily. My adult life just mirrors my childhood in that I’m not showing up for myself in the ways I should. It’s becoming more imperative that I diligently work towards this goal without the idea that something somewhere else will be better/easier.

So, with that being said I am almost at the halfway mark into my stay at the shelter, and work has absorbed a lot of time/energy.

I am attempting to manage a cross-state relationship and secure a foundation for myself as well. I am working on it.

I am seeing him tonight. Well, for the week at least. Here’s to more of the future/present tense.

I didn’t mean to fall for him

But I did.

I have accomplished more goals and I am happy. I have to work at nine and I can’t sleep, really.

I hear Ramon cooking. I am listening to ocean waves. We had sex for the third time in two days tonight.

Jesus. And he is leaving August 26th. I am going to request the date off.

I got teary eyed on the train. I think the day after I will need off too.

I’m going to press on. I will be seeing a psychiatrist to deal with my emotional issues next month.

The case worker seems to think I’ll get in sooner. Meanwhile, I’ve been busy buying layers. Next weeks goal is the realtor list and the apartment hunt.

I don’t know what I am afraid of now, but I asked him for some accountability. I live in new york and my parents still ask to borrow money from me.

I can’t depend on them. I am keeping all of my appointments.

I am eating. I am thinking of ways to redesign my present so I maintain a space of happy. I need the dentist, medicaid and adap next.

Le yawn

I don’t know if I want to delete that post or not.

Hmmm.

Like, it’s real. I am grateful for the days I have. I’d prefer not to cycle through, but it is what it is as of right now so…😒

I am just waking up with a positive mindset.

Make that the past three weeks. I started today reading about emotional manipulation and it’s basically effected me the entirety of my life which is sad because it feels like a never ending cycle.

Insanity. I am always going to go for what I know so I typically hate it when people give me validating compliments like how I’m cute or I’m smart because it doesn’t matter.

My decisions matter more than anything and my track record is poor at best. Like, this looks like it should be better but the number of days I will go without eating are purely astonishing.

The number of days I will go casually avoiding things I know I need to take care of are sad. It’s not laziness. It’s pure passive disassociation. I’d rather just sulk or sleep some days and I’ve mentioned cliff diving several times, lately.

How am I in another not relationship? I don’t write, I don’t tweet, I don’t show enthusiasm, I don’t care. I genuinely have to force even the smallest amount of human interaction. Im super stand off-ish.

I had the bright idea to go to olive garden with manny today and it was a failed spontaneous adventure but he was willing to go.

I just fight for control when there is none, really. It is a flaw I need to correct and quickly.

New York Week Three

Ummm so yeah.

Me and the other roommate M Hernandez the Puerto Rican papi have been smashing and hanging out the past two weeks.

We are starting to get to that point where we are good entertainment but realize we have a lot of differences.

A lot of them.

Le sigh.

I’m moving up quickly at Lush. Oh, the pressure.

Like, literally my blood pressure is high.

I just needed to write. Whatever I end up doing, I can’t stop writing.

"You have to find the right distance between people. Too close, and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you."

— Hanif Kureishi    (via un-exotic)

(Source: jeou, via asleepwhileawake)

(Source: mollyhorrified, via gabirumon)

Saturday Eve (Friday)

A LOT has happened since I’ve been in New York. I arrived at 10:50 on Sunday June 15, 2014. I’m on at Lush Union Square and so far I have a bit to catch up on. If nothing, just brush up on product knowledge. Ask direct questions and act completely decisive – even if I do not understand for some reason.

I am taking care of my healthcare. I am due in to see a doctor tomorrow morning. The reality of my life may have set in, all of a sudden.

I’m not exactly sure what’s caused me to live as hard as I have the past three years, but I am legit burned out – crazy. I am all about taking care of myself more and enjoying life.

So far, my case is reopened, I am seeing a doctor, I’ve reconnected with select people. I’ve literally met very few people, not anyone really on my list is a native new yorker.

It’s gay pride weekend. I get off @ 4:00PM on Sunday – the day of the parade. My life can’t exactly live out continual parties and disassociated emotions.

My roommate Ramon Bonilla has been very resourceful and has helped me get myself together extremely quickly. I am forever grateful. I wouldnt have had these services in Houston. It’s important to take care of as many things as I can for myself, now.

New York - Eve

Well, trust that your life as you knew it will never be the same. The only solitude there is lays in the future/present tense (see life in Houston last year).

THINGS I’D LIKE TO ACHIEVE IN MY MOVE:
• become a better communicator
• take care of my body through diet & exercise regularly – NO EXCUSES
• LET GO of the past
• go to the doctor regularly
• take a walk in the park occasionally
• DESIGN/EXECUTE YOUR LIVING SPACE!
• join a yoga/dance/work out team
• visit art shows
• meditate
• see a therapist
• set a one year/five year goal plan
• value yourself & your body – more!

• continue to journal/write by any means necessary – just get the thoughts out